Heaven's Facepalm
by Delusional Fishies
Summary: In which Shirou, Saber and Rin are summoned by Kiritsugu and Irisviel for the Fourth War.
1. Rin's Facepalm

_Something I cooked up with Mereo Flere and Fallacy. Revised thanks to Gauss.  
><em>

**Heaven's Facepalm**

Life was good, Saber supposed. In her experience, the magi were either dicks or put dicks where dicks didn't belong. She was lucky enough to find not one but two magi who she found more than likeable and perhaps even loved. After the whole torrid affair of the Holy Grail Wars of Fuyuki, the three of them moved to London, the capital of the nation that was once her home. Even though it was vastly different from her time, she still enjoyed being on her native soil and basked in this moment of joy, but…

But sometimes, just sometimes, she wished her—what could she call them? Lovers? Friends?—magi would be less… Saber couldn't really think of the word. It was really only Shirou, she amended. Sometimes, she found herself more frustrated with him than she ever was with Merlin. She hadn't thought that would have be possible but this was one of those times.

She was currently standing in the kitchen, Shirou's usual preferred room in the roomy apartment they shared, with nothing but some rather expensive, white-laced lingerie covering her body. The garter belt was rather itchy for her since it was perhaps the second or third time she had worn it, and the thigh-highs were rather uncomfortable, but for her sake and Shirou's, she endured it. Rin was behind her in a similar, black outfit, fondling her in a rather increasingly stimulating manner. But all of that seemed to fall rather flat for the one they were performing the lap dance for.

"Shirou, it's time to… replenish my mana," Saber tried for the hundredth time, strutting around her former Master as sensually as she could. Normally she walked and stood straight like a man, but in the privacy of their bedroom, she added an extra sway to her hips as she sashayed around.

"Huh?" Shirou frowned up at her. Behind Saber, Rin buried her face into her palm silently at Shirou's response.

"Shirou," She repeated to him through gritted teeth, "Replenish my mana."

"But Saber," He replied obliviously, still calling her by that title even after he gained some mastery over English, "Isn't Tohsaka supplying you with—"

"GAH!" Rin snapped, having endured this for the past half hour, and pinned Shirou down on the ground.

Shirou's eyes shot wide open as he gasped, "R-Rin?"

"Saber! I'll hold him down," Rin cried with a maniacal expression that caused Saber to shiver, "You strip him!"

"W-wait!" Shirou whimpered as Rin's fingers snaked down and stimulated him and caused him to shriek. But before he could utter another sound, a bright light surrounded them. A moment later, they disappeared.

* * *

><p>Emiya Kiritsugu surveyed the scene within the Einzbern Chapel, silently marveling with his wife at the simplicity of this ritual that would grant his life's ideal. His expression was cold and grim, showing none of the anxiety he suppressed at this monumental event. As his beloved wife Irisviel finished her preparations for this ritual, carrying the sacred relic Avalon to the center of the circle they had prepared, Kiritsugu's resolve held firm, '<em>My ideals… my dreams rely on this summoning.<em>'

The ritual itself was simple and quick. With a flash of light that came with the power used in this summoning, his Servant began to appear. That was when all the alarms within Kiritsugu's head went off and exploded.

Instead of a royal knight wearing medieval armor or even a king garbed in gold and blue, something else appeared. Something that shouldn't have appeared had appeared.

The first problem Kiritsugu noticed through the lightshow was that instead of there being one human-like body, there were three. The second problem he noticed was that none of them were wearing armor. In fact, they seemed to be wearing almost nothing. There was a boy with red hair pinned down by a girl who looked to be of mixed, Asian descent with a petite, European girl tugging on the boy's underwear.

The moment all the smoke had cleared, the blonde girl had let go immediately in surprised shock. Their attire stuck out for Kiritsugu, but he speculated that it was possible that King Arthur's clothing had changed in the Throne of Heroes. The redheaded boy was wearing nothing other than that pair of boxers, which Kiritsugu was pretty sure did not exist in Arthurian times. The Asian girl was wearing nothing but elaborate, black laced underwear made from… silk, perhaps? The blonde girl wore something similar but white.

Kiritsugu's first thought was that perhaps he had summoned King Arthur when he was still young. Then the European girl tried to speak up, saying something that sounded like 'are you my master', but her voice was drowned out by the boy, who whimpered something between an "Eep!" and "Daddy!"

Everything seemed to still, as if time had frozen. Irisviel was almost glowing with a blush and trying her best to cover her eyes. The brunette girl's expression turned cycled between confusion, horror, and curiosity before settling on something even Kiritsugu could not read. The blonde girl just stumbled and fell onto the boy's chest. Kiritsugu stood and stared, shocked, before he managed to shake himself out of it.

Kiritsugu frowned and his analytical mind, which knew that King Arthur must have been a man, deduced that, '_At some point in my future, did my Innate Time Manipulation fail and send me to England in 500 AD, where I became Uther Pendragon?_'

The brunette girl's grumble, which sounded like, "Hey, Saber, I'm your Master!" flew right over Kiritsugu's head.

* * *

><p>Saber wanted to groan. No, she wanted to do more than that! She wanted to walk up to the World and smack it around for putting her through her life. Did this even count as her life anymore? She put that philosophical question aside for the immediate matter at hand. There she was, on top of Shirou and just moments from finally pulling his underwear off when this happened.<p>

This… she remembered this quite clearly. It was the war she had participated in just before she finally met her lovers. And she didn't want to remember it at all.

Oh, no.

'_Oh, no! Oh, no… no, no, no!_' Saber's eyes filled with panic, though unnoticed by everyone else.

Steadying herself, she tried to act composed and fall back on her old reaction towards this, which was to ask, "As you have summoned me, I have come. Are you my Master?" She only grumbled part of her question out before being interrupted by Shirou, who whimpered loudly enough to echo through the Chapel, "Daddy?"

Saber felt dread sink into her heart as she watched the gears turning in Kiritsugu's head (So that's where Shirou inherited that from!), she heard Rin protest, "Hey, Saber, I'm your Master!"

Then there was a pause, in which Rin's eyes began to _sparkle_. Saber's heart skipped a beat as her panic redoubled.

"Wait!" Rin cried loudly, "That means I qualify for Caster!"

Saber cringed; there were sparkles that looked like something out of a kaleidoscope surrounding Rin now, as if Rin had floated into another realm. '_No_', Saber quickly amended. She was even shinier than that; Rin was sparkling even more than those vampires from that movie that Sakura liked so much. Even Rin's eyes seemed to have turned into tiny stars.

'_Quick!_' She thought as she squeezed from between Rin and Shirou's sweat-covered bodies and picked herself up, '_I need to fix this!_'

"W-wait, upon your summoning, I have come!" Saber called out, "I am Servant Saber."

This seemed to go over Kiritsugu's head as he turned purposely away from her and stared at Shirou, "Hmph."

Saber frowned and tried again, "I-I am King Arthur, the one you have summoned…!"

Kiritsugu stroked his chin for a moment before narrowing his eyes at Shirou and muttering, "So King Arthur had red hair. This is not consistent with our historical records, but it will work."

"H-hey!" Saber suppressed her pout and tears and tried again pointing at Shirou and shouting, "I'm King Arthur not—"

"That's impossible," Kiritsugu mumbled, not even bothering to turn towards her. "There's no way that King Arthur was a woman."


	2. Kiritsugu's Facepalm

_Credit to Fallacy for helping out greatly. And thanks to Gauss of the Beast's Lair Forums for proofreading.  
><em>

**Heaven's Facepalm**

"_Kiritsugu, Kiritsugu!" Little Ilyasviel bounded to him adorably, hopping from one foot to another. She called to him again, before jumping into his arms. Kiritsugu smiled softly down at his daughter and caught her as she landed into his arms, spinning her around in the air as she giggled._

"_What is it, Ilya?" He asked gently, his eyes full of love._

_Ilyasviel pondered cutely, with a finger on her lower lips, saying, "Grandpa said you're summoning something."_

"_That's right," Kiritsugu replied. The corners of his eyes wrinkled ever so slightly, one of the very few signs of his age._

"_Hey, hey, Kiritsugu," Ilyasviel tugged on his sleeve excitedly before saying, "Can you summon me an 'Onii-san'?"_

"_Well…"_

* * *

><p>And so, there they stood. Thankfully, the Einzbern had plenty of well-tailored clothing for the three… whatever they were to wear, though Kiritsugu was convinced by this point that the boy must be a young version of King Arthur, accompanied by his women. After all, the kings of ages past usually had a retinue of women, and King Arthur must have been no different. He could feel through his Command Seals that they were all bound to him, so they must all be important in Arthurian Legends. Kiritsugu had resolved to figure out their identities when someone bounded into the room and interrupted his thoughts.<p>

It was a good thing that they dressed so quickly, really. The moment Kiritsugu's Servants finished dressing, his daughter Ilyasviel jumped into the room and into Kiritsugu's arms like she has done countless times before. Kiritsugu felt that King Arthur and his small harem looked rather stylish in his suits.

"Kiritsugu!" Ilyasviel giggled happily into his chest as he spun her around. She peeked over his shoulder and saw his Servants then she spoke excitedly up at him, "Yay! You bought an 'Oniisan', Kiritsugu-Papa!"

Kiritsugu laughed slowly, "Yes, yes I did." He was very thankful that Arthur and his two girls didn't interrupt.

Ilyasviel suddenly stopped giggling and pouted up at him with large, watery eyes. Her lips trembled when she asked, "But where did my 'Oniisan' come from?"

"Uh, from…" Kiritsugu started to say before Irisviel interrupted him.

"Storks!" Irisviel smiled brightly.

"Well…" Kiritsugu paused and froze. He couldn't look away from Ilyasviel's eyes, but at the same time he felt a sense of dread as the conversation began moving towards a subject that he would not be ready to approach with Ilyasviel for decades to come.

"But…" Ilyasviel pouted cutely and asked, "When did the Storks bring him?"

"That is…" Kiritsugu tried to turn the conversation around while he still could, but he was able to catch up to neither his wife's nor his daughter's enthusiasm.

Irisviel chimed in cheerfully, "Well, dear, while you weren't paying attention, a huge," at this point, Irisviel brought her hands as far apart as possible, to illustrate how large this 'stork' was, "stork came by and dropped your 'Oniisan' off."

Ilyasviel nodded quickly, but slowed down right away. She frowned and looked down, asking, "But then… where did the stork come from?"

"Well…" Kiritsugu tried to talk again, but was again interrupted by Irisviel. Or rather, he couldn't even give his input before Irisviel already said what she had to say.

"In the clouds," Irisviel clapped her hands together, as if imagining the scene in her mind at the same time, "there's a big castle where the storks live!"

Kiritsugu wanted to sigh. '_Hold on Iri—there's no way that Ilya would belie… oh, she believed it._' Everyone else seemed to be thinking the same thing.

"Did 'Oniisan' also come from the Castle?" Ilyasviel asked curiously.

Kiritsugu opened his mouth, but before he even uttered a syllable, his wife had the answer already.

"In the Castle, there is a huge," again, Irisviel spread her arms wide open to emphasize on the word huge, "Throne. That's where 'Oniisan' came from."

"Oh…" Ilyasviel nodded slowly. "Why doesn't 'Oniisan' look like Mama and Papa?"

"That's…"

Irisviel smiled gently down at her daughter and answered before her husband could, "Well, you know Grandpa Acht, right?"

"Yeah?" Ilyasviel asked slowly.

"Mama is related to him!" Irisviel puffed her chest proudly.

Ilyasviel frowned in confusion, almost as if a bunch of question marks had appeared beside her in the air, before asking carefully, "…But Mama isn't old and wrinkly and ugly?"

"That's right!" Irisviel nodded her head slowly.

Ilyasviel's eyes seemed to sparkle, "Wow! And this 'Oniisan' is so big too!"

"And that's why your 'Oniisan' doesn't look like me or Papa!" Irisviel adopted a cute lecturing pose and instructed eagerly.

Kiritsugu almost sighed and planted his face into his palms, but he stopped short of that. Instead, he muttered so softly that no one could hear him, "Iri, I love you dearly, but please teach Ilya properly." He also noted that, when Ilyasviel talked about King Arthur, the youth's shoulders raised a little and he seemed to stand a little straighter, even though Kiritsugu's daughter wasn't looking at him. Peculiar…

"And that's not all," Irisviel smirked proudly at her daughter, "this 'Oniisan' is the best 'Oniisan'. He is also a king!"

Kiritsugu didn't think his daughter would believe it, but just as he thought this, his daughter nodded, as if in understanding. Kiritsugu frowned internally, but thought perhaps this was for the best since his wife knew best anyway.

"Wow!" Ilyasviel's eyes seemed to shine even brighter, "How did you do that, Mama?"

"Hey, w-wait just a minute," The delusional blonde girl interrupted Kiritsugu's wife and said, "…I am King Arthur."

Immediately, Ilyasviel swerved towards the blonde girl and pointed at her in defiance, "No, you're not!"

The blonde girl frowned softly, almost regally, "Why do you say that, Ilyasviel von Einzbern?" Kiritsugu found this strange, because he had not yet introduced his daughter to them, but perhaps the Grail had provided this knowledge too? He needed to do more research!

"King Arthur is two meters tall!" Ilyasviel said confidently.

"…What," the girl seemed to freeze.

"Plus," Ilyasviel went on to say, with her forefinger pointed into the air as if she was lecturing an uneducated person, "In my story book, Gawain looks just like you!"

The girl's expression turned to stone. She froze, but her lips parted ever so slowly, "And… what storybook is this?" She growled out through gritted teeth.

"This one!" Ilyasviel pulled out a familiar comic book that Kiritsugu had seen once or twice before…

"…That's…!" He also froze, unsure of what to do.

Thankfully, his wife did know what to do. She leapt quickly and grabbed the thin book out of Ilyasviel's hands. Irisviel scolded her daughter gently, "Bad Ilya! No going through Mama's 'doujinshi' collection!"

"Aw, but Mama…!" Ilyasviel pouted.

"…" Kiritsugu thought that perhaps this was also another conversation he would do best to stay out of. Irisviel seemed to be taking care of it well enough without his input anyway.

The brunette girl from King Arthur's retinue turned to the Servant Saber that Kiritsugu had summoned and said in a deadpan tone, "So this is your family, huh?"


	3. Saber's Facepalm

_As usual, credit to Mereo Flere and Fallacies for the help. Credit to Gauss for proofreading.  
><em>

**Heaven's Facepalm**

"No! I'm keeping this 'Onii-san'!" Ilya pouted stubbornly while clinging to Shirou's knees.

"Ilya, what did Mama tell you about your belongings?" Kiritsugu asked gently, seeking to distract his daughter enough to pry her hands off of the dangerous Heroic Spirit's leg.

Ilyasviel perked up and replied eagerly, "Don't tell Papa!"

"I…" Kiritsugu suppressed a sigh. "Not that, Ilya."

"Hum… Don't tell Grandpa?" Ilyasviel tried again.

Kiritsugu smiled tightly, "Ilya…"

Seeing Kiritsugu's distress, Irisviel swooped in and saved the day by adding, "Ilya, 'Onii-san' is like a big, delicious cake. If you eat him all at once, you'll get a tummy ache. And if Mama is here, you should share!"

"Ooh!" Ilyasviel clapped her hands happily and tugged on Shirou's pants, "Here, have some 'Onii-san', Mama!" But then she paused and scowled cutely, "Does this mean Papa gets some 'Onii-san' too?"

Irisviel patted her daughter's head lightly, "Of course it doesn't, because Papa doesn't like cake!"

"Right!" Ilyasviel nodded quickly, as if it made perfect sense.

Rin was unsurprised to note that Saber was drooling a little at the mention of cake.

It took the combined efforts of the five of them to persuade Ilyasviel to leave, but they had finally done it. Well, perhaps that wasn't the right way to put it. They hadn't really persuaded the little girl to leave as much as worn her out enough for her to take an early nap. For the past hour, each tried various methods to coerce the little albino girl, all of which fell flat. Ilyasviel had clung to Shirou's leg defiantly until the end, when her nap time had finally come and she dozed off.

* * *

><p>There had been a collective sigh when an Einzbern maid took Ilyasviel away. Rin found a blushing Irisviel whispering apologetically to Shirou, "Ilya isn't normally like this, Saber."<p>

"Hold on," Saber intervened coolly, "I am Servant Saber, not—"

Rin grimaced and nodded at this; the truth had to come eventually. Saber seemed to perk up at her affirmation, but Rin said, "As much as I hate to say this, I am not summoned as Caster, but as Servant Saber as well."

"Wait, does that mean…" Shirou frowned and asked, "I'm a Servant?"

"Yes, Shirou," Rin growled while rolling her eyes at Saber, "You are the Servant."

And then Shirou was a Saber.

Their Saber couldn't take it anymore. She was a step away from planting her face into her palms, but she settled for simply closing her eyes and sighing.

It was then that Kiritsugu made an observation. Rin found that the man whom she might call 'father-in-law' made a better brooding poker face than even her original Servant, Archer. He stated flatly, "So instead of one, powerful Servant Saber, I have three. This changes things; the battle plans need to be reworked—"

"I may have some insight on this, Master," Saber added. Rin remembered that Saber had also participated in the Fourth War, meaning her memories could be exploited to prevent much of the devastation that occurred during the events of that war. She would need to speak with Shirou about this later too… just in case he didn't put this together.

However, Kiritsugu ignored Saber's input and began rolling out a map of what looked like Fuyuki, with dozens of small pins and hundreds of notes on it. He was about to beginning talking when Saber stood up in front of him and said, "Pay attention to me, Master." Rin found it cute that, from Saber's tone and from what Rin had gleaned from her before, Saber still held a small grudge against Kiritsugu for thinking Saber too naïve.

Kiritsugu did not look up, simply moved closer to Irisviel and then motioned to his map again.

"L-Listen to me, Kiritsugu!" Saber moved over again, standing before the man.

"Hmph," Kiritsugu turned away from her, as if she were some naïve child. Rin found this a strange comparison because of how kindly Kiritsugu treated his own naïve daughter.

Saber's cheeks puffed and reddened ever so slightly before she jumped on the table and lay down on the map. She laughed, "Ha! I have your map, now you have to pay attention to me!"

Kiritsugu silently turned to Irisviel and asked, "Do you have enough maps in stock, Iri?"

Irisviel nodded and made a sound of affirmation, before laying one out on Saber's chest. It was pretty flat.

Rin couldn't help but turn away so that Saber wouldn't see how hard it was for her to hold in the giggle that was threatening to come through her lips.

On the other hand, Shirou shrugged helplessly, ignoring this whole scene, and asked, "If we are talking about plans, does that mean you want to know what we can do too?"

"Ahem," Kiritsugu coughed into his fist lightly to grab their attention. His poker face did not budged an inch, even as he coolly asked the question, "Yes, but first… what were the three of you doing naked?"

Shirou blinked at his adoptive father and looked like he was deep in thought. It was almost amusing to Rin to see how long it took Shirou to figure out what Kiritsugu was asking, except she had to deal with this all the time. After a few moments, Shirou shivered and closed his eyes, as if remembering a traumatic moment.

Rin found both Saber and Shirou staring at her expectantly for some reason. She tried to stay poised and elegant by looking away and flipping back one of her twin ponytails before commenting nonchalantly, "So… I suppose explanations are in order."

Kiritsugu's stony expression did not move. He merely replied in a tone similar to the one used by her old teacher Kuzuki, "Yes… they are."

"Yeah," Shirou piped in seriously, staring at Kiritsugu just as intensely as the man was at him, "I don't remember getting carried here by a stork."

Rin wanted to punch something. She turned towards the object of her… affections… and sighed in annoyance, "Shirou…"

"Yes, Rin?" He asked. He looked rather deep in thought again, cupping his chin in his hands in a pose not unlike a detective, "Do you remember a stork?"

"Of course I remember the stork," Rin replied sarcastically, but her tone flew over Shirou's head.

He continued to say, "Oh, I see. Well, it must have been a large stork to carry all three of us. And you aren't exactly as light as you use—urk!"

Rin had slapped Shirou on the back of the head.

"I just don't get it…" Shirou muttered to the side, as Rin turned back to Kiritsugu and Irisviel.

Kiritsugu ignored this interplay and decided to outline the current scenario of what was happening in Fuyuki. He shared the information that had already been confirmed and Rin realized it pretty much fit what Saber had told her before. But unlike Saber, the way Kiritsugu made his motions and the way he talked, it all reminded her too much of her own Servant, Archer. That Kiritsugu had the disposition of a jaded older man with that hardened and intense stare… Rin felt she saw a silhouette of Archer sitting broodingly like Kiritsugu and overlapping with the older man's image.

She then looked over at Shirou, who was also hunched over the map and studying it intensely with Kiritsugu. The way the two men stood together now, Rin felt…

"So this is where Einzbern Castle is," Shirou pointed to one of the markers on the map. "And you will use it as headquarters because you are the representative for the Einzbern."

Kiritsugu nodded, without a hint that he wasn't taking Shirou completely seriously. He added after a moment, "That is correct. Its defenses will be sufficient for the duration of this War."

"Because it has a big forest," Shirou nodded.

"I… yes, because its surroundings are protected," Kiritsugu replied.

Shirou added, "And people can get lost in the forest because it's really big."

"…That too," Kiritsugu acknowledged.

Rin shook her head. Shirou and Archer were just too different to be… She quickly told herself that she was just over-thinking things and moved on to help with the strategy planning. Yeah, that must be it; she's analyzing this too much.

"Since our resources have been diversified from one Servant to three," Kiritsugu muttered, "We can draw out the opponents with multiple decoys. Each Servant will be assigned to one of us, Iri, and that should allow us to trap multiple opponents at the same time. Since—"

"…What?" Rin snapped out of her little daydream about Archer and Shirou and smirked at Kiritsugu in a way that made her feel a little like her mentor. She asked, "Are you suggesting that all of us reveal ourselves?"

"That wouldn't be prudent," Kiritsugu allowed, "King Arthur should be kept in reserve. But…"

"No, no, your original plan looked fine," Rin interjected. She crossed her arms above her chest in a lecturing pose, "If we try to run rings around the other Masters, we'll be hurting ourselves more. When all the Servants have been summoned, the rest of the Masters will know that we have this trump card. According to you, at the very least the Tohsaka and Matou can figure out that only the Einzbern could pull this trick."

Irisviel smiled up at Kiritsugu encouragingly as he pondered this. After a moment, the older man slowly nodded, "we have little time, so a drastic change to the plan would be detrimental to our goals."

"'The best laid plans of mice and men', and all that," Rin nodded elegantly while tossing her hair back again. She added, "And what's this about the Grand Hyatt? You're going to blow it up?"

"Only after the evacuations for the bystanders have been done," Kiritsugu said with measured words.

"Really?" Rin asked lazily, "What's to stop them from escaping with the bystanders and making it all a waste of time to set up? This sounds like an awfully naïve way of thinking… why, that sounds like someone whose life's goals are to be a superhero and to save the world."

Kiritsugu didn't say anything in return, but Rin noticed a twitch of his jaws as if he bit down for a second. She also noticed the corners of Irisviel's lips twitch upwards for a moment before she schooled her expression as well.

So Rin continued, running her fingers through her hair dramatically, "No. Wait, you're serious. You're going through all this trouble, to fight and kill all these people, to make a wish so vague and pointless when you could get anything else up to the Third Magic? Talk about lazy!"

Rin knew Shirou well enough by now, after living with him for the past few years. So before he even opened his mouth, she kicked his shin under the table. The look on his face was mirrored by Kiritsugu, strangely enough.

"You could get anything else in the world, like enough power to actually save it yourself, whatever that means," Rin added quickly, sounding more like a Disney villain by the second. But at least she didn't sound like Kotomine yet. "But you want an artifact to solve these problems for you instead, relying on the Grail to solve your problems when you are too tired to do it yourself. And what's to say that this doesn't become a Monkey's Paw wish and the Grail misinterprets your wish? It could do anything from brainwashing the world to killing anyone who has a violent thought."

In all honesty, Rin didn't want Kiritsugu to make a wish at all, what with the corruption of the Grail and all, but she doubted he would believe her at this stage. She found a part of herself, which connected better with her former mentor, almost enjoying the various expressions that she imagined Kiritsugu would have if he didn't have so much control over himself.

Feeling satisfied with her work, she stood up and concluded, "Just have Shirou go accompany Irisviel around. Saber is our trump card and I'm not much for fighting in the frontline." With that, she dragged a disoriented Shirou and a depressed Saber out of the room. She peeked in after a second and added, "Now let me have my private time!"

After a moment, Irisviel piped up cheerfully, "Hey, Kiritsugu! It's a blonde, a brunette and a red head. This is what they call a 'trifecta', right?"

"Now is not the best time, Iri," Kiritsugu sighed.


	4. Rin's Facewall

****_I need more reviews to sustain myself. Feed me... Ahem, right, so thanks to Fallacy for help with writing this chapter.  
><em>

**Heaven's Facepalm**

"Finally," Rin growled as she glowered at her nubile lovers, whom she tossed on to the closest bed she could find, "We won't be interrupted! I can finally have my nookie! We can finally make like the beast with two backs! This itch will finally be—"

"Hi!" Ilyasviel popped into the room cheerfully.

Rin thought her vision was blurring. No, actually it looked like it was phasing in and out, like a television with bad reception (Yes—Contrary to popular belief, she _did_ know what a television was). She felt her face cringle ever so slightly into a frown, realizing that she had developed a twitch just below her left eye.

"Wha-cha doin'?" Ilyasviel hopped around the room. She didn't notice, or pretended not to notice, the dark aura that seemed to gather around Rin, like a miasma of malevolent spirits being churned and mixed into some kind of curse that represented the feelings of all the "frustrated" women on earth.

Instead, Ilyasviel thought her 'Oniisan' felt rather like her Papa. So she hopped onto his lap and asked, "Why are you all naked, 'Oniisan'? Aren't you cold?"

Why does her 'Oniisan' have that funny look on his face?

Curiously, before any of the other occupants of the little private suite could do or say anything, Ilyasviel pouted and blinked at something that was poking her. "What's this, 'Oniisan'?"

Why does her 'Oniisan's face look even funnier now? What's this warm feeling in her chest?

Her 'Oniisan' was fidgeting under her… how cute! He was even muttering something that sounded like, "D-Don't touch that, Ilyasviel!" But her curiosity proved stronger. After all, Mama and Papa both told her she was a good girl when she asked more questions and poked around. She's a good girl!

Determined to know what was happening, Ilyasviel peeked up at her 'Oniisan' and asked, "I never seen Papa like this… does it hurt, 'Oniisan'?"

"Shirou…" Rin growled from behind Ilyasviel, "I never knew you were into this kind of thing."

"R-Rin, it's not what it… I mean, why are your eyes red, Rin?" Shirou stuttered. "R-Rin, your eyes are glowing."

At this point, Saber could only look on helplessly as Rin grew closer to her boiling point. But Rin was a magus, someone who could control herself with an iron will. She massaged her temples and sighed, before the growl receded from her tone. Instead of saying a word to Shirou, she lifted Ilyasviel off of his lap and freed Shirou from Ilyasviel's grasp.

"Ilyasviel, this is a delicate matter that only mature, _good_ girls can understand," Rin stated in her lecture pose #3. "Are you a good girl, Ilyasviel?"

With upmost sincerity, the snow-haired girl responded, "I'm a good girl, even Mama said so!"

"Very well, Ilyasviel," Rin leaned closer and whispered, as if sharing a deep secret, "This is a subject that you can't share with anyone! You can't tell anyone where you learned it from, if you are a good girl, Ilyasviel."

Ilyasviel nodded vigorously, her eyes alit with wonder at learning a secret that this big sister kept.

"Ilyasviel, we were going to have something called… 'sex'," Rin continued her lecture, "It is something that people who love each other do."

"So…" Ilyasviel touched her lower lips with her forefinger and pondered, "If I love 'Oniisan', we do secks?"

Rin realized that she must nip this at the bud. But on the other hand… She suppressed a smirk and whispered even softer, "You have to ask your Mama and Papa to explain it first. Don't you love your Mama and Papa too?"

"Yep!" Ilyasviel nodded.

"Then you must ask them to explain it to you, or even show it to you," Rin added, "And they have to leave no detail out! Do you understand, Ilyasviel?"

"Uh huh! Ask Papa about secks!" Ilyasviel nodded again.

"Good girl," Rin had put on a mask of a smile that caused Shirou and Saber to shiver and stay silent. She rubbed Ilyasviel's head and said, "Now run along and ask Papa, you don't want to waste anymore time here."

"Okay!" Ilyasviel jumped off of the bed dramatically and waved to Shirou, "Bye bye, 'Oniisan'!"

As they watched Ilyasviel run off, Rin's smirk became more sincere. "Now, where were we…?"

* * *

><p>It was over two hours before the monster—I mean, Rin—was sated. She stood up and stretched, arching her back like a completely satisfied feline bathing in the sun. Shirou and Saber slept soundly behind Rin, as they were too exhausted by their most recent activity to move. In Shirou's case, he was rather drained of 'prana', if you know what I mean.<p>

There was a knock on the door, and Rin hastily scrambled to cover herself before she remembered she could materialize her clothes onto her body. It didn't help her frazzled hair however, and for some reason her clothes were wrinkled and smelled rather distinctly like 'strenuous activity'.

Kiritsugu walked into the room with a seemingly perpetual glare on his face. In fact, Rin thought he looked like he had aged a decade since the last time she saw him. That he seemed to be glaring at her only told her that she had probably missed out on something very amusing. He coughed into his fist and glanced over at the bed before turning to her. Rin blinked and realized that her lovers were both rather naked at the moment. Saber was simply adorable with her butt pointed towards the ceiling like that… Rin shook herself. Business before pleasure!

Rin covered Shirou and Saber hurriedly as Kiritsugu addressed her in an overly formal manner, "It has come to my attention that you might wish to discuss your strategy for this War with Red Saber and Gold Saber, and I want to discuss your abilities—"

"Yes, yes," Rin nodded hurriedly, hoping that Kiritsugu won't notice the blush on her face. It was embarrassing to be caught with her pants—or in this case, skirt—down by the Magus Killer, of all people. She flippantly dismissed his concerns and focused on trying to get the wrinkles out of her blouse before she paused, "Of course you'll… wait, what? Red Saber and Gold Saber, like some sort of sentai team?"

Kiritsugu confirmed without a blink, showing none of his surprise at her knowledge of what a sentai team was, and explained, "Since the three of you are all Sabers and I must differentiate between you, I decided to assign a different designation to each of you."

Rin felt a Shirou-sized headache coming. She rubbed her forehead and asked, "You couldn't have just asked for our names?"

"That would not be prudent to reveal your names to our enemies," Kiritsugu looked almost disappointed for moment.

"You know what? You make a good point, Emiya," Rin nodded slowly. So this Emiya was more competent than her Emiya. Did she get an inferior version? The Emiya she was talking to seemed to resemble Archer more and more. Rin asked incredulously, "Still… Red? Yellow? Next you'll tell me that you were going to call me Black Saber."

Kiritsugu almost blinked in surprise. "Yes, you are very astute." But he didn't blink and kept his poker face, because he was Emiya fucking Kiritsugu. His glare didn't sharpen when she scoffed, but he didn't reveal that he was a fan of the sentai team, Saber Riders, either.

"N-no, please, that won't work well with us, I think," Rin felt the Shirou-sized headache coming back. Instead of banging her head against a wall, she suggested, "How about you call us by other Servant Classes. At least this way, we could confuse our enemies."

Kiritsugu raised an eyebrow at Rin, "Do you have something in mind, Saber Black?"

Rin gritted her teeth to suppress a growl. She answered, "You can call me Caster, since I'm the most practiced with magecraft of the three of us here. You could call the blonde one Saber and as to the redhead…" Rin found it rather difficult to keep a straight face but she did it. "You can call him Archer."

"…Archer?" Kiritsugu glanced over at the redhead. For some reason, his paternal instincts were telling him to take the redhead under his wing and teach the boy, but Kiritsugu didn't put all his trust in mere instincts. "Never mind," Kiritsugu nodded once and said, "I will inform Maiya and Irisviel about this development as soon as I am able. For the moment, here is the data that I have collected with my sources on the other Masters or potential Masters of the War."

And then Kiritsugu gave Rin a notebook computer.

She stared at the device for a moment wordlessly, before shrugging and setting it aside. "I'll take a look at this… later," replied Rin.

"See that you do," Kiritsugu nodded. "I see that Saber and Archer are awake now."

Rin turned around to find Saber and Shirou peeking out from the top of their covers. She sighed, "How long have you two been…? Never mind, just get up." Both squeaked when Rin slapped their behinds as they jumped out of bed.

"As I have been telling 'Caster', I would like to know what you can do so that I can plan accordingly," Kiritsugu had cut in gruffly. "Your capabilities or any information you can provide."

"My capabilities?" Shirou's eyebrows furrowed, "I see. I am inexperienced, but I am adept at making Japanese dishes. I can also make many English dishes, as well as several German ones, but I—ow!" Rin slapped the back of his head.

"He means your fighting capa—"

Saber chose this as the perfect time to perk up and add, "Speaking of which, Shirou, it is almost time for a pre-supper snack!"

"O-Of course, Saber!" Shirou nodded, suddenly pumped up.

Rin tried to dissuade them of their current path, but neither seemed to be listening. Saber grasped Shirou's hands with a glimmer in her eyes, "Yes, please prepare for me a great meal."

"I will do my best, Saber!" Shirou nodded passionately in reply, "Are you prepared to take everything I have to offer?"

"Y-yes, Shirou!" Saber stuttered for a moment, almost overwhelmed by the emotions within Shirou's eyes.

"Saber! Don't believe in me, believe in my food that believes in you!" Shirou added.

Rin thought she saw an illusionary sunset behind them, but she didn't believe either of them was capable of such a feat. When she tried to grab them, to shake them out of this strange kitchen and food fetish of theirs, Shirou and Saber dashed out of the bedroom, leaving a silent Kiritsugu with a speechless Rin.

Rin followed with a feeling of dread building up within her. The thought of Shirou having such a kitchen at his disposal… he might not even ever return to the bedroom! Another part of Rin, a rather kinky part of her, added that there was nothing wrong with having copulating in the kitchen…

When she arrived, Rin skidded to a halt.

Rin found a Saber who was sitting around, waiting impatiently. She also found an Irisviel, who was giggling without stop. And she also found a Shirou who was busy stripping and pulling what looked like a skimpy maid uniform.

When Shirou noticed her, he stuttered, "D-don't judge me! T-they don't allow anyone inside the kitchen except maids! D-don't judge me!"

Rin might have taken Shirou's words into consideration, if not for the tears rolling down his cheeks.


	5. Rin's Wutdafuq

_Not yet revised and created without Fallacy or Mereo. Probably subpar. _

**Heaven's Facepalm**

True Name: Shirou

Class: False Shirou

Alignment: True Shirou

Strength: D

Agility: C

Mana: C

Luck: F-

Endurance: C

_Class Skills_

Independent Action: B

Magic Resistance: D

Item Creation: D (Capable of creating feasts which can sate the hunger of Kings.)

_Personal Skills_

Clairvoyance: C

Magecraft: C-

Mental Pollution: Shirou

_Nobol Pantasmos_

Unknown

* * *

><p>Kiritsugu frowned at this sheet of information for a long time. No matter how hard he glared at it, it didn't want to change. He sighed. At least the 'on-paper' stats of the other two were what he had expected to be around King Arthur's league. It is a curiosity that the man is the weakest, but if the other two treat him like an equal then perhaps there is something to him.<p>

Kiritsugu didn't hope, but he couldn't help but wish that this strange Servant named Shirou would be able to protect his wife through this War. It wouldn't do for him to win, only to have all that he loved torn away from his grasp, after all.

Saber frowned as she walked down the stairs, out of the air plane. There was something she had forgotten, a minor detail that nagged her at the edge of her mind. But she couldn't remember what it was… only that it was something to warrant her attention. Still, if she couldn't remember it, it must not have been something _too_ important, right?

As she sat down in the front passenger seat of the car that was prepared for them, Saber allowed her mind to wander. The first few days were calm and peaceful, until that night she clashed with Lancer. Well, now she wouldn't even have to worry about that. Yet, as Shirou and Rin climbed on to the backseats of the car, that nagging alert in her mind only seemed to throb and ring harder than before. She wondered what was it that caused her to be on such high alert…

…and then Irisviel sat down in the driver's seat.

Now imagine Morgan Freeman's voice saying, "I could tell you a grand story about what happened that day. It was a tale of love and sorrow, friendship and betrayal, an epic for the ages. But I'll spare you of that."

And so I'll spare you of that.

Instead, I will tell you what happened afterwards.

Years later, people would still remember this awesome day, and tell tales of it in hushed and awed whispers to their children. It was like the urban legend of the woman who silently visits cake shops; a new urban legend had begun. The citizens of Fuyuki tell tales of a Ghost Rider, a woman with ghastly white hair driving a Mercedes Benz accompanied by a chorus of banshees screaming shrilly. Some of these urban legends tell that the Ghost Rider is accompanied by her victims, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. But these ghost stories will have to wait until another time.

Saber was the first to stumble out of the car, grumbling something along the lines of "I'm going scouting!" while she covered her mouth and ran as far as she could. She didn't care where she was going. The second time was worse than the first; somehow her experience with Irisviel's driving has only upset herself more. Could Heroic Spirits even get upset stomachs and headaches?

She stumbled into a shopping mall without a care of who she bumped into. One of those children was a red-headed Japanese boy, who immediately fell and cried. Saber persevered and continued on, looking for something to stop the world from spinning around and round.

She finally stopped in front of a department store, where she fell to her knees. "S-such a shameful disgrace…!" She growled, trying to right herself. Just then, something golden appeared. As if by divine intervention, the old and worn Lion ride she had seen before stood before her, brand new and sparkling. The children's coin-ride machine seemed to almost call to her, "Gao gao, Saber! Gao gao!"

In the blink of an eye, she found herself atop the Lion. The slow rocking of the ride soothed her heart. After a few more times, Saber leaned in and hugged the head of the plastic Lion fiercely, yet with a peaceful mind. Whimpering through her tears, she muttered, "Lion-chan…"

From across the department store, a little boy tugged on his mother's skirt and shouted, "Mom, mom! Look that foreign lady is—!"

"Shh," the mother hushed her son quickly and whispered into his ear loudly enough that everyone could hear her, "Ignore it, dear." She gave Saber a baleful glare before dragging her son away to torture—I mean, to try on new clothes.

Saber sighed again contently, ignorant of the happenings of her surroundings, "Lion-chan, you'd never betray me, right?"

And just as she asked that, the machine broke down.

* * *

><p>"…<em>And today, on the Nikkei, prices rose for the<em>…"

Rin froze in the middle of the street not caring that Saber was running away from her. Her neck turned slowly towards the sound that had caught her attention as the gears turned in her mind. This is it, she thought as she stared at the television sets in the electronics shop.

Without a second glance at her companions, she left Shirou and Irisviel with a jumble of words too quick for mundane people to decipher, "I have business to attend to, be back later!" By the time the two had even looked up to see where she went, she was long gone and had left only a trail of dust.

"Stocks! I knew I should have paid more attention to stocks, but if I have knowledge of the future, I can't possibly fail!" Rin ran for a few seconds before pausing and muttering to herself, "but how or where do I go about this?"

It was perhaps her lucky day that Irisviel had driven into the commercial district before Saber ran out of the car. Or perhaps not, Rin mused as she found herself lost in a sea of people.

With so many people around her, Rin felt slightly dizzy. She wouldn't be able to find out where to go, but this Average Japanese High School Student looked like he knew where he was going. So Rin pulled the Average Japanese High School Student with the looks of an Average Japanese High School Student aside and asked, "Excuse me, do you know where… stock exchange…" The noise of the city around her was so loud that her words were almost drowned out.

The Average Japanese High School Student blinked at her once before answering over the noise, "You're looking for the trading floor? There's one two blocks down, but…"

Rin didn't listen to the rest of the boy's words, confident that she knew what she was doing, once she got there. So she slipped into the crowd and traveled the distanced and direction the boy pointed at. To her surprise, his information was accurate, because she found herself walking into a building with a large sign that read "Fuyuki Stock Exchange".

There was a lady at the 'Information Desk' who looked up at Rin as she entered, but otherwise, the building seemed to lack… people.

Rin saw a sign that pointed to the stock exchange and knew that all she had to do was go and let her future knowledge do the work. But then the Information Desk lady greeted her, "Hello, are you here for the—"

"Yes, yes," Rin cut the lady off regally, "I am here for the stock exchange."

"Oh, well then, would you like a—"

"I can do it all myself," Rin added. It wouldn't do to have mundane humans realize she had future knowledge, or worse: what if they saw what she was doing and stole her profits somehow? She studied the kind, gentle smile of the Information Desk lady and thought about how devious the woman was.

"Well, if you are sure," the lady nodded. "If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask."

Rin nodded as she walked in, "I'm sure."

Rin was not a Shirou, she figured out where the exchange was and easily too. It was strange the most of the building lacked people, but Rin thought that perhaps she was lucky for once. She knew what she was doing after all! She had seen the stock market on television…

Well, alright. Rin admitted to herself, she had not watched the stock market work on television. But she read about it on the newspaper!

That has to count for something…

…and then Rin looked up.

She saw tickers everywhere, with thousands of red and green English letters accompanied by numbers, constantly changing. Her shoulders sagged a little, before she lost her self control and yelled, "What are these eldritch symbols?"

Rin spent several minutes—or maybe an hour—trying to make sense of all this, but even with all the information lying around she got nowhere. Defeated, she stomped back to the Information Desk and asked the lady at the counter, "C-could you help me with this… please?"

The lady smiled kindly and asked, "What would you like to know?"

"C-can you explain the symbols for me?" Rin asked, red-faced.

"Ah, you probably don't recognize them!" The lady clapped and smiled, "That's because here at the Fuyuki Stock Exchange _Museum_, we preserve the old symbols for many of the companies that went out of business before the Fuyuki Stock Exchange had closed down to merge with the Tokyo Stock Exchange… excuse me, miss, but why are you shaking? Are you alright?"

Museum.

Rin felt a twitch developing in her left cheek. Long hours dealing with Shirou was one thing, but this… She kept her composure here and growled out through grinding teeth, "I'm… just… fine." Then she stomped out of the museum without another word.

She found the Average Japanese High School Student not far from the museum, standing around and adjusting his Average Japanese High School Student Glasses. Rin realized she couldn't blame anyone but herself for being so hasty. So she took several deep breaths and walked up to the boy again.

"Hello again, did you find what you were looking for?" He asked with a smile.

Rin fought to keep herself from growling and then replied, "Yes, I did. But now I need to find something else."

"Oh?" The Average Japanese High School Student blinked.

"Yes," Rin sighed, "You see, now I need to find a place where I can actually trade stocks." It felt like admitting defeat, but Rin knew that this was only temporary. Once she used her awesome, future knowledge, all the profits would be hers!

"There are a couple of brokerages around," the boy nodded, "I'm not too knowledgeable on this subject, but you could try the brokerage down the street. It looks like it's pretty big; it's called Schwab or something."

"Is that all?" Rin asked.

The boy shrugged, "I don't know?"

Rin frowned at him, and then walked away. After taking a few steps, she turned around at stared at him suspiciously, again. Her eyes narrowed warily for a few seconds before she felt satisfied that he had left nothing out. Then she turned and went to this 'Schwab' brokerage. She hasn't heard of it before, so it couldn't be too big. But she wouldn't want to start off with the biggest brokerages, she reasoned to herself. They would ask for too big of a cut from her profits, she just knew it!

This time, she checked everything exhaustively. The building belonged to another landlord, but this American company that was there was a stock brokerage. It seemed legitimate to Rin, so she walked in and found plenty of people walking around, many of them dressed in what mundane people must consider professional uniforms. Personally, she thought they all looked like butlers.

A Greasy Looking Man walked up to her, with a smile. She noticed that he was wearing a small name plate pinned to his chest that had his name and his occupation 'Sales Representative' on it. He greeted Rin with a bow, "Good day, miss. Are you with us already or her to set up an account?"

The man's straight-forwardness surprised her, but she was a composed and noble magus, not to mention the protector of this city. She returned his greeting suavely, "I heard about how innovative your firm was, and decided to make an account here."

"Wonderful, if you would just come into my office, we can set you up," the man nodded. "I'm surprised you have heard of our ventures into taking our brokerage on to the internet, but I suppose it is a bold move by our company."

Rin didn't know what this 'internet' was, but she remembered hearing about it from her classmates back in high school. Or did she overhear her classmates talking about it while pretending not to notice? It doesn't matter, either way as long as she knew what it was, right?

As she was led into the clerk's office, she marveled at how well furnished the room was. Clearly, this firm was making good money to afford such things, including that strange, box-shaped device on top of the man's desk that seemed to have many strange, eldritch symbols on it.

"Now, to start you off, I will need to register your identification, but after that, you will need to specify what kind of account you would like to open," the man seemed to not pay any attention to her and instead focused on pressing buttons on that board he had connected to his box-machine.

Rin suppressed a scowl, "I would like to make the best account." Obviously.

The man stopped clicking and turned to her slowly and sighed softly, as if saying 'oh, one of _those_ kinds of clients.' He relaxed his composure into a friendly stance and said in a much slower pace, "Miss, there are different types of accounts tailored to different people's needs, now…"

Then he sprouted off some arcane language that caused Rin to feel cross-eyed. But she didn't show it, obviously.

"…And you would need to make a deposit now…" The man rambled on tediously.

Rin blinked, "W-wait, why would I need to make a deposit?"

"Well, how else are you going to buy stocks, miss?" The man chortled, as if Rin had made a joke.

"Alright," Rin fumbled through her pockets and pulled out a thick wad of English Pounds. "Would this be enough?"

The man stared at her as if she was either crazy or a criminal, but then looked down at her money. Then he frowned and stared harder at her money before muttering, "If this is a joke, miss, it isn't funny."

Rin blinked again. "…What do you mean?"

"Look, Schwab is an international brokerage that accepts Pounds, but…" The man waved, irritated, at Rin's money and scowled, "You should know that counterfeiting is a crime, miss."

"…What?"

"Oh, don't get me wrong," the man laughed again, "It's funny that you pulled this joke on me, but you should know, if you are going to use fake money this real, at least make the date right. I mean, if you're going to have it say '2002', that's just ludicrous."

"…Oh." Something cracked within Rin's mind. Perhaps it was the realization that her money was now worthless pieces of paper (not that she carried her money around with her or something!), or perhaps it was the realization that she was officially broke. Whatever it was, it caused Rin to nod numbly.

"Now, are you ready to talk business, miss?" The Greasy Looking Man asked.

Rin looked down at her hands and then back up at the pile of money on the man's desk. She shook her head, "Let me have a moment please."

Then she walked out of the office, leaving the money behind.

She might come to regret this decision later, when the man notices that her other bills were all of the time period and were all legitimate. But that's another story for another time.

* * *

><p>Dusk had found Rin sitting on a curb, looking all the broken and defeated girl that she had never looked like, ever. It just so happened that the Average Japanese High School Student found her there, as people got ready to go home from work. "What's wrong, miss?" He asked as he stood above her.<p>

"Oh…" Rin couldn't even bring herself to look up at the boy or question why he was carrying around a knife. "Nothing…"

"You look kind of sad," the boy muttered before adding in a louder tone, "Here, why don't you go try your luck at the scratchers or something. I have some change. I heard they usually turn out some small prizes."

At the rustling sound of Japanese Yen, Rin looked up and saw the kindest boy she had ever met. "Y-you…"

"Ah, I know, it's probably nothing," the boy scratched his cheek, "but I have to go. Good luck!" With that, he ran off somewhere, leaving Rin alone.

Rin looked down at her palms, seeing a bill for 1,000 Yen and smiled. Perhaps a 'scratcher' was what she needed, whatever it was. After inquiring some passing mundane people, she found that a scratcher was what the past slang was for a 'lottery ticket'. "Why didn't he just say a lottery ticket?" Rin grumbled as she shrugged. It wasn't her money anyways, so what did she have to lose?

She walked into a convenient store, where there were lottery ticket machines, according to friendly past-people. She walked up to the counter and asked the Lazy Looking Part Timer, "excuse me, where is the lottery machine?"

"Over there," the lanky boy grunted without looking up. He pointed to the entrance, where a large dispenser machine stood.

Rin walked up to it, thinking, "This is simple enough. I give it money and it gives me a ticket." And then she thought, "I really should have paid more attention to lottery tickets."

And then Rin thought, "I think I can remember the winning numbers from the newspapers I read around this time. It was a very memorable time after all…"

She walked up to it and saw a slot to insert the 1,000 Yen bill, which she tried to. The machine made a mechanical noise or two before spitting the bill out.

Rin blinked, but perhaps it was because she inserted it in the wrong direction?

She pulled the bill out and turned it around and then inserted it again. The machine churned for a moment, before making the noises and then spitting 'her' money out again.

Rin felt a frown creeping up to her face.

She pulled the bill out again, and flipped it around before inserting it again. And again, it was spat out.

Rin unconsciously clenched her fists before turning to the clerk and asking, "Hey! What's wrong with this machine?"

The lazy teen didn't look up and responded with a, "Nothing's wrong with it." He seemed to reading some kind of magazine and drooling.

"But it doesn't take my money, there has to be something wrong with it!" Rin argued.

The teen shrugged, "Nah, it's probably something wrong with your money."

Suddenly, Rin didn't feel so charitable to the Average Japanese High School Student anymore. But she kept her composure, "Then can you change this for a different bill?"

"Nope, that's against store policy," the reply came instantly.

"Wha-where does it say that?" Rin growled.

The teen shrugged, "I don't know."

"Just change my damn money!" Rin slammed the bill down in front of the teen clerk so hard, he bounced up for a moment.

This got the teen to actually look up and see Rin for the first time. He looked rather frightened and a little aroused—much to Rin's disgust and annoyance. "A-alright," the teen muttered in a subdued tone. He then took her bill and changed it for a crisp, newer looking bill.

Rin whipped her head around, too annoyed to even thank the teen for finally listening. She went up to the machine and j-j-jammed the bill in with all her anger. But it so happens that she touched some buttons on the keypad. Or perhaps Rin had channeled some prana. Or perhaps the machine was just having some errors.

Whatever the case, it was then that the lottery machine ate Rin's money and burst into flames.

"That can't be safe," the clerk muttered from below the counter.

Rin felt the tick that had developed earlier that day growing in strength. But it was then, that a pretty blonde popped in.

"Is everyone alright—Rin?" Saber gasped.

Rin couldn't help herself. She leapt at Saber, hugging the Servant before crying on her shoulders like a baby. "Oh, at least I found you, Saber."

"R-rin?" Saber gasped again, for completely different reasons after she noticed a hand or two snaking down her spine to other places, before whispering, "We're in public, Rin!"

"Oh, it was horrible," Rin continued, as if nothing hearing the blonde girl within her grasp at all. "I lost everything, all that money…"

Saber blinked twice and tilted her head, "But Rin, couldn't you just get money from the Einzbern?"

* * *

><p>"I think I just heard Rin," Shirou muttered, looking up from what he was doing.<p>

Irisviel crossed her arms, "Archer…"

"Ah, sorry," Shirou scratched his head nervously, "I mean, I think I just heard Caster yelling something about blowing up the world… I need to pay more attention to my surroundings."

Irisviel nodded.

"But…" Shirou frowned, "I'm pretty sure I'm not lost. We're at the docks, see? I know where we are, so we can't be lost!"


End file.
